The Absurd, The Bad, and The Funny: WTC Final, Day One
Recapping the strangest and funniest moments from the WTC Final Day One, from fielding potentially the tallest Test team ever to reviewing an LBW appeal that hit the middle of the bat.
At one point during the opening session, as the topic of batting at Lord’s was broached, Kevin Pietersen insisted to Ravi Shastri on commentary that Matthew Hayden—a man medically allergic to coherent sentences—was “much smarter than him.” Damning stuff for KP, though it’s hard to disagree.
There are plenty of serious, analytical breakdowns of the WTC final, but this is the absurd, the bad, and the funny from Day One.
Pictured: The coveted (?) WTC Mace.
If you hadn’t already figured it out via my introduction and the glut of other cricketing Substacks bombarding you with this news, the third World Test Championship (WTC) final commenced yesterday between Australia and South Africa at the Home of Cricket, marking the third English host venue in three editions. If Jay Shah has his way, three will be plenty, so savour this one while it lasts. Despite many MCC members presumably sitting in the stands in deep confusion, trying to figure out how both teams navigated the labyrinthine WTC system, the sellout Day One crowd was treated to a spicy contest befitting the billing, with 14 wickets falling and Australia in the ascendency.
As a Black Caps fan, trying to decide who to support in this fixture was a classic ‘lesser of two evils’ quandary, like participating in a US Election. On the one hand, Australia becoming back-to-back WTC Champions, along with all their other silverware, sounds deeply unpalatable. Before you know it, they’ll be rewriting history and trying to claim our inaugural WTC win too, like Phar Lap or Pavlova. Then again, at least it would be nice for Australian Assistant Coach Daniel Vettori (I’ve finally trained myself to type that without throwing up) to cap his Hall of Fame induction week off with a win.
On the other hand, as a fellow non-Big Three member, I’m more inclined to side with the Proteas, who have copped the same strays as New Zealand did heading into the inaugural WTC final—from fans of teams that lost 3-0 at home to New Zealand and don’t even understand the basic WTC format, no less. Wah wah wah, they’re lucky to be here (you don’t win seven consecutive Tests by being lucky). Wah wah wah, no one has ever heard of their players. Wah wah wah, they nearly delegitimised Test cricket by sending a D team to New Zealand (ok, that one might be valid). If this is how the discourse is going to continue, let’s just organise a World (errr…) Test Championship between Australia, India, and England and be done with it.
There’s also the fact that South Africa has produced many great New Zealand cricketers over the years (I see no contradiction in that statement), from Phillips to Conway, Watling to Elliott, plus our incoming coach. Then again, South Africa being back-to-back Rugby World Cup Champions and World Test Champions simultaneously would arguably be even worse than Australia winning, if such a thing is conceivable. Bokke fans are already tricky enough to deal with online. New Zealand fans can also console ourselves that South Africa have famously had even worse luck than us in ICC Tournaments (at least we’ve won two!), and it would be a shame to lose that.
Ultimately, caught between a rock and a hard place, I had no other option but to root for the cricket to be funny, and thankfully, there was plenty of levity to go around. Since I definitely stayed up all night to watch every ball of play, and categorically did not watch until drinks in the middle session and then catch the extended highlights in the morning, the following recap should be considered foolproof and exhaustive.
What Even is a ‘World Test Championship (?)’ Final?
I get it. Change can be scary. Some MCC members are still reeling from the change to 6-ball overs in 1978/79. Others never got over the shift from underarm to overarm bowling back in 1864. So, firstly, in case you’re Ben Stokes or an English cricket fan reading this, a quick refresher on what the WTC is and isn’t (in this context, it most certainly isn’t the World Trade Centre—that’s a mistake you’ll want to avoid) and how both teams found themselves here.
As the name suggests, the World Test Championship (WTC) is a championship that determines the best Test cricket team in the world (nifty, right?). Held over a two (2) year cycle, nine (9) whole teams contest the WTC. Although given they haven’t hosted Bangladesh since 2010, English fans can be forgiven for not being familiar with all nine. Startlingly enough, they announce the WTC fixture list in advance, leading some teams to adopt crazy strategies like “planning” for the tournament and “trying” to reach the final. It’s not for everyone—different strokes for different Stokes’.
Pictured: What it looks like to win a WTC final. This was the only example photo I could find, I swear.
Australia and South Africa are playing in this game, this “final”, if you will, because they’re the “final” two teams remaining in contention. Get it? They qualified by winning a higher percentage of their matches than any of the other nine (9) teams. The tactically astute among you will catch that trying to minimise losses and draws is therefore an advisable strategy. Crucially (and you might want to take notes for this part), they also didn’t lose too many* points for slow over rate penalties. Crazy, I know, but try to follow along.
And now you’re all caught up—no more “utterly confusing” excuses, please. If England would like to hire a WTC strategy advisor for the next cycle, I’m available and also a Kiwi, which I know counts for a lot under BazBall. I’ll even dial the sarcasm back, Brendon, I swears it.
*Australia still lost 10.
Parallels with ‘99
It shouldn’t be lost on anyone that Australia and South Africa are facing each other in a game of playoff cricket in England, and South Africa won the toss, elected to bowl, and dismissed Australia for 212. Ring any bells?
If you haven’t caught what I’m alluding to yet, think 1999 World Cup: specifically, the sport’s most famous choke (we couldn’t get through this without at least one mention of the C-word, could we). Yes, I know this is an entirely different format and both teams actually scored 213 that day, but still. You couldn’t have snuck a bye at the end there, Mr Hazlegod?
Further parallels include:
Australia’s number six also top-scored in that match (Bevan with 65).
Only two Australian batters passed 50 that day, too.
Australia’s opener, number 10, and number 11 also scored ducks that day (M Waugh, Fleming, and McGrath).
South Africa’s opening bowler also took a five-wicket haul (Pollock).
South Africa also found themselves in trouble with the bat after 22 overs at 61/4.
Spoooooooooooky.
I suppose what I’m saying is, get ready for Marco Jansen to play Lance Klusner tomorrow, and for Lungi Ngidi to run himself out.
David vs Goliath vs Goliath vs Goliath vs Goliath vs Goliath
Given some of the Goliaths on display, you’d be forgiven for tuning into this contest and wondering if you were watching an NBA game rather than a Test match. Well, you wouldn’t actually—they’re entirely distinct sports and I’d probably recommend a mental acuity checkup if you confused the two—but you take my point.
Amid all the talk of Long Levers and Big Buckets, Australia may have fielded one of the tallest Test teams ever, and doesn’t that count for more than some silly mace? I have no official stats to support this claim, but it certainly feels right. Maybe the West Indies of Garner and Walsh would give then a run for their money in a tall-off, but the Aussies have got some serious heavy artillery in Beau Webster (2m), Cam Green (1.98m), Mitch Starc (1.97m), Josh Hazlewood (1.96m), and Pat Cummins (1.92m), who all comfortably clear 6’3.
Pictured: Big Buckets and Long Levers for days. Image Credit: Fox Sports.
Not to be outdone, South Africa had to go and pick the tallest of the lot in 6’8 behemoth Marco Jansen, while Rabada (1.91m) and Ngidi (1.93m) are hardly shorties either.
It led to one of the greatest Goliath vs Goliath battles in Test history as Marco Jansen bowled to Beau Webster in a contest that could make continents quake. According to this list, Jansen is the second-tallest Test cricketer ever, and Webster is the 16th-tallest. However, almost everyone ahead of Webster on the list was a bowler, meaning that, unless Mohammad Irfan ever bowled to Boyd Rankin (and if he did, you have a moral obligation to inform me immediately), it’s probably the tallest bowler-to-batter contest we’ve ever seen in Test cricket. The only others I can think of that would come close are Jacob Oram and Peter Fulton facing off in New Zealand domestic cricket.
Also, it’s never not funny seeing 5’3 (1.62m) captain Temba Bavuma standing next to 6’8 Marco Jansen. That’s just good, clean fun.
Batting Positions are Just Suggestions
I particularly enjoyed that, in ostensibly the biggest game on the Test calendar, both teams took a lax, makeshift approach to selecting their top orders. “Batting positions are just, like, uh suggestions, man.”
In the face of intense competition from Konstas and Inglis, Australia decided that Marnus Labu-shane, who’s averaging 28 over the past two years and had never previously opened in Test cricket, was the man to face Rabada and Jansen with the new Dukes ball. Likewise, Cameron Green, who hadn’t played a Test for 15 months and had only ever batted at number three once in first-class cricket, was deemed the best option to bat at first drop, the esteemed position filled by Bradman, Chappell, Ponting et al.
Not to be outdone, South Africa offered up Ryan Rickleton, who has batted everywhere from 1-6 for Proteas and only opened for the first time in South Africa’s last Test against Pakistan (albeit scoring 259), as a sacrificial lamb for the Australian Cartel. Behind him came Wiaan Mulder, who has spent 86.66% of his Test innings batting at number 7 or lower, and has only batted at number three twice previously in Test cricket. Both Mulder’s Test average of 22 and his general demeanour at the crease suggest he’s more of an out-of-form nightwatchman than the next Amla.
All of this led to some let’s say...interesting top-order innings. Just when he thought he was safe from Jasprit Bumrah, Khawaja ran into a rampant Rabada on his way to a 20-ball duck, while Bavuma, unwilling to be upstaged, took 30 balls to get off the mark to a healthy cheer from the crowd, and currently finds himself 3* (37) overnight. Elsewhere, Labu-shane crawled along at a 30 strike rate to score 17 (56), while Mulder mustered just 6 (44). It was as if the two top orders collectively got together and said, “BazBall this, BazBall that, let’s show these Poms some real Test cricket—you know, the kind casual fans think is about as exciting as watching paint dry.”
In fairness, the bowlers were pretty good, which is still legal, for now.
South Africa and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Reviews
In the 38th over, South Africa decided to review an LBW decision. Lungi Ngidi was bowling to Beau Webster. Upon review, as live, it was clear that the ball had hit the middle of Webster’s bat and was nowhere especially close to hitting his pads. I apologise for burying the lede like this. That would have been bad enough in isolation, but it’s worth putting South Africa’s day of no good, very bad reviews into its proper context.
It began in the 22nd over, when South Africa reviewed an LBW appeal with Jansen bowling to Smith. Replays showed that the ball was just clipping the top of the leg bail, and South Africa retained their review on Umpire’s Call—a tad unlucky for South Africa, though Smith probably would have felt hard done by to be given out there, too. It happened again in the 28th over, this time with Jansen bowling to Webster. The ball smashed into Webster’s front pad, and South Africa reviewed after a confident appeal, but the ball struck Webster marginally outside the line of the off stump. It was again deemed an Umpire’s Call despite going on to obliterate the middle stump.
Then, the pièce de résistance. Five balls later, Rabada was bowling to Webster and hit him plumb in front, but South Africa didn’t review as they heard two noises and thought Webster had hit it. Nope. The two noises were the ball, which would have cannoned into the middle of the middle stump, hitting both pads. Had it been given out, Australia would have found themselves 94/5 with their eventual top-scorer walking back to the pavilion for 8.
It was almost certainly the frustration of this crucial missed opportunity that led to South Africa reviewing a ball that Webster middled, and then again a few overs later, when they reviewed an LBW appeal that Carey had gloved.
In between these reviews, we got unquestionably the funniest moment of the day when Aiden Markram, who previously boasted three Test wickets and just seven first-class wickets at an average of 85, and was clearly only bowling so the South African seamers could swap ends, dismissed the best batter in the world, Steve Smith, to a juggling Jansen catch at slip. After each bobble, the match hung in the balance, splitting off into infinite possible timelines, but Jansen ultimately clung on.
Sure, Steve Smith may be a bona fide legend and a top-5 Test batter ever, but what, exactly, is his average against part-time off-spinners with fewer than 10 first-class wickets bowling one over to allow the seamers to swap ends? Huh? Huh? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Stray Observations
It was subtle, blink and you’ll miss it stuff, masterfully woven into the broadcast, but you may have caught the odd allusion to The Lord’s slope on commentary (every six seconds or so…).
Pictured: Did you know LORD’S has a SLOPE?
Head was dismissed snaffled down Leg, showing muddled Footwork and throwing his Hands at the ball. And eyes, and ears, and mouth, and nose…
Moments before his dismissal, everything perfectly aligned with the world, as Savant Steve Smith found himself on 66 (111).
Rabada, fresh off his battle with white line fever, overtook White Lightning’s wicket tally today to go fourth all-time for South Africa behind Ntini, Pollock, and Steyn. He also made it onto the Lord’s Honour Board for the first time with his 51/5. By MCC standards, letting a guy on the Honours Board who recently served a drug ban counts as a progressive move.
South Africa started the match by bowling three consecutive maidens, which won me five dollars on a low-stakes wager. More importantly, Warnie would have loved it, given how often he referenced the stat that your chances of taking a wicket increase exponentially after bowling three consecutive maidens—something that was probably true when he first heard it in 2002, and he never questioned or updated in the intervening years. Based on how he talked about him, I’m certain it was the only thing The King ever learned from John Buchanan.
In the first two sessions, five wickets fell, all caught. In the final session, seven of the nine wickets to fall were bowled. I’m unsure what to do with this information, but now you’re aware, too. My favourite dismissal was Alex Carey attempting a reverse sweep, which hit middle stump. It’s rarely dull when Carey takes the field at Lord’s.
At one point, Marnus yelled down the pitch, “Was that a no-ball or what?” (I may be paraphrasing) amid confusion between the on-field and third umpires. Given there are no free hits in Test cricket, I’m not sure why it was so urgent that he knew, but I suppose he has the right to ask. I also enjoyed the South African commentators taking sly and not-so-sly digs at the proper Afrikaans pronunciation of Labu-shane (la-bus-kagh-nee).
As was brilliantly pointed out by the SEN commentary team, when Jansen dismissed Labu-shane, it was the first time a bowler born in Klerksdorp had dismissed a batter born in Klerksdorp (I bet it was still pronounced la-bus-kagh-nee back then) in Test history. If that’s not why we play this game, then I don’t know what is.
